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[Nov. 19th, 2009|05:04 pm] |
friends are friends are friends and friends and they always will be in a way.
it's interesting to talk to old friends you've lost touch with. There's always some form of connection there, no matter how much time has past or what exactly happened. It always brings a kind of nostalgia, thinking of those brighter days with them.
I've met some really good people in my life. If not good, then just cool. Or interesting. Or somehow worth-while. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 14th, 2009|02:22 am] |
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Everybody gets happy to visit home to see everyone they had to leave behind. But I lost the only thing I really left behind the day before I moved, so coming home is just depressing. It's the shocking realization that I set my life on something inconstant and there's nothing for me here now. Not only that, but I have to deal with it here. I've been able to not even think about it, just start a new life where he's not a part of, and gotten through every day. But I come back to this place where he was in EVERY ASPECT of my life, and it's too much. I need the pain to go away. Back to Flag in the morning. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 2nd, 2009|05:06 pm] |
Nothing, I felt nothing!
Sometimes the happiness we thought we felt was all a lie. NOW I am happy. I feel so liberated. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 10th, 2009|01:38 am] |
I don't care, but I do. And the fact that I care is what I care about. This complete, insane jealousy and feeling of betrayal that I feel every single night that I know I don't need to feel. This feeling of anger and hopelessness because I can never ask a person to give up their life for me. This feeling of anger at myself that I would ever even want a person to do that.
I'm so tired of WORRYING. But then again, I'm so tired of being made to worry. Shit, does life ever get less complicated? |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 10th, 2009|12:45 am] |
the fact that you STILL never text back
the fact that you lied to me
the fact that you cheated on me
the fact that you refused to tell me you dropped out
the fact that you dropped out
the way you say ehhhh all the time
the way you mumble the words to songs you don't know like a douchebag if i'm singing
the way you say fuck yeah over and over when listening to rock
the fact that you looked stupid when you were wakeboarding
the fact that my friends hate you
the fact that you are so unpractical
the fact that you live in a dream world with no motivation
the fact that you fight back
the fact that i'm never a priority
the fact that you work at great skate
how cheap you are
how you suck at tiping
the way you freak out after watching a good movie or hearing a good song
your constant use of the word bro
the fact that you laugh at everything
i hate your friends
the fact that you broke me
the fact that you made me cry harder than i ever thought possible
the fact that you made me into the typical girl
you emotionally abused me
you made me feel stupid
the stupid way you fucking shimmy
how lazy you are
the fact that you don't tell me stories
the fact that you're a slut
the fact that you keep doing something when it annoys me
how immature you are
the fact that you try to make me fart
the fact that you make a huge deal out of you farting
your ridiculous laugh
your fucked up brain
the fact that i still don't think you completely understand what's right and wrong
the fact that you expect things to be easy and work themselves out
i don't know what i'm doing. i even told him, "sometimes i think if i even had HALF of a brain, i would walk away from you most of the time."
but i can't let him go, i don't know why. i'm so scared. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 25th, 2009|05:02 pm] |
i feel so, so alone. like i've been ditched and forgotten by everyone except, for the second time in my life, ariel and shea. but still, they went to a different high school and have their different friends and life, separate from what i'm comfortable throwing myself into all the time, so i'm still alone.
what a time for summer. |
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[May. 19th, 2009|08:47 pm] |
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oh, and i'm pretty afraid of people at this point. everyone i get near ends up hating me or screwing me over. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 19th, 2009|08:45 pm] |
i don't like who i've become. with all the drama that has been happening, at least some of it had to be my fault, and that's a pretty good indicator that i'm no good.
i feel like i'm sliding downhill. i keep falling back to this place. i don't know what to do anymore. i just want to be happy. |
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[May. 5th, 2009|11:20 pm] |
i just wish i could forget the last year of my life, or rewind it and do it again. i swear i could do it better... and i wouldn't let it end up like this. none of it. everything is fucked. everything i tried, put my trust in, lent my time and effort to, all fucked. this is so impossible, i don't even know what to do. over two months later and i'm still fucking lost, hurt; unsure as ever. it keeps coming. i find out about more betrayals, i keep being betrayed by different people. it's seriously come down to the last year of my life being a joke. there was no reason for it happening, it in no way furthered me.
i'm so ready to graduate, get the hell out of here. i need a chance to start over, i need a chance to get away.
it's too hard here. |
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[Apr. 10th, 2009|05:29 pm] |
Please, please, please, please don't let me down.
I'm still constantly in pain, it's just a different type now. It's dull and ignorable most of the time, but the overwhelming sickening feeling comes back every so often. I wonder what would have happened if I had just dropped him. Would I feel better yet? I wouldn't be lying to everyone, that's for sure.. and I wouldn't feel bad for myself all the time.. I wonder what the hell the point of falling in love is. It's so fucking hard. But maybe the point is that it shouldn't be this hard, and that's why this won't work out. Whatever.
I feel completely beaten. Like I'm being battered in every way from every direction. I want it to stop so bad, but it won't. When I think it's over, something has to come up and start it all over again. |
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[Feb. 10th, 2009|09:07 pm] |
He says 'I cannot be around you because god knows it hurts
But I cannot be without you 'cause it's much, much worse'
So he reels me in and he reels me out again |
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[Dec. 23rd, 2008|12:05 am] |
it's been called a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but i've found holes in that theory. what if the problem isn't temporary? what if the problem is something you can't undo that has made you hate yourself. what if it's something you loved about yourself that you threw away and can never, ever get back and can never ever get over. then it's a permanent problem.
and yeah, people may love you. but that doesn't matter. if you don't love yourself, all the outside love in the world can't penetrate that depression. and they might not love you for the right reasons, or you might not feel deserving.
just saying, i can see how some people find it practical.
ha i wrote that about a month ago but didn't end up posting it at that time. it's funny after just finishing the perks of being a wallflower with the quote "we accept the love we think we deserve." so applies.
anyways, i think people are so fucking ignorant. like being "in love" with someone who couldn't care less about you, but choosing to think they believe you're the best thing that ever happened to them, despite their obvious annoyance. and calling someone your best friend when they talk so much shit about you it's ridiculous, even if they don't really mean it. if we're being honest, you will never hear me talk shit about people i consider my best friends. like my really really real best friends. because i know their flaws, but i just can't find anything to complain about in them. i just understand and love them. maybe most people don't know each other the way i try to know my best friends? anyway, i would really hope my best friends don't talk shit about me, and make me the ignorant one.
do you think people know when they're not in love with someone even though they think they are? does that make any sense? like a couple is "in love" only to break up and discover that they didn't love each other at all. they just liked or lusted each other. do you really think they had NO idea that was the case in the moment? they must have known a little, but for what ever reason chose to ignore it. i refuse to believe people can be that... blinded. that wrong. that doomed for emotional breakdown. you have to choose it. you have to choose to bury your real feelings for some reason. i really think it goes back to what amanda told me a few months ago, people just want to feel that some really loves them. and if they can believe that, they'll choose to feel the same way. whether it's the truth for either person or not, they will choose to believe that because everyone wants to feel appreciated and unconditionally wanted by someone.
i also think it makes no sense to love someone other people did/do love. it makes it seem less meaningful. this again brings me back to the perks of being a wallflower. i either think a lot like the main character or the author is really good at making his characters relatable. but anyways, he says basically that it's all been done before. i don't feel like finding the exact quote. but that all the songs you love have been heard before, and all the feeling you feel have been felt before. to me, it doesn't feel like unity at all. it feels sickening. and like nothing is real or someone has to be wrong, because not everyone can feel the same way about someone.
oh, random thought. people fall in love with people who live in the same general area as someone else. or because they were in the same place at the same time. so in theory, you could be in love with someone in your city, but someone else you could love lives in the next state, and someone else you could love lives in europe, and so on.. so i have trouble believing in soul mates. if you had one soul mate, i think you would never find them. how could you in a world full of so many people? you'd have to get super lucky. i really believe that if given the time, you could fall in love with anyone. everyone is human and has great qualities to appreciate and deep thoughts that don't come out at first. some people are just easier for you to click with at a first meeting for some reason. |
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[Jul. 24th, 2008|10:14 pm] |
it's so interesting how close to home big problems can hit and you can be totally blind to them. it scares me a lot. one of those speechless situations, when on the outside your strong and supportive, and on the inside your completely broken.
in other news, i attempted breaking up with my boyfriend (maybe not in the best way but the only way i could capably do it) but he cut me off and basically he said he'd call me back in 2 hours and didn't. so i'm a little confused on whether we're broken up and he's so pissed he never wants to talk to me again (hence the sarcastic, rude remarks) or whether he said that to stop me and really wants to talk about it and thinks we're still together. i don't know. i guess i'll assume if he never calls back he gets it and is done?
maybe i should have done it in person. it would have made it clear where we stand and it all would have been done at once. now i'm left fucking wondering what the hell is going on.
i did it on the phone because when i thought about it, i realized i'd much rather be broken up with over the phone, and also because i wouldn't be able to do it in person. i'd either chicken out or break down. but maybe it was the wrong way to do it anyways? i feel horrible. i know this is what i wanted. but i feel like shit.
lack of sleep does not help anythingggggggggggggggg! |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 28th, 2008|08:23 pm] |
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the fact is, i don't really like someone until i decide they're too good for me.
and once i realize that, i know they're going to realize it too.
and i realize i'm going to fuck it up.
and by worrying so much, i do.
helllllllp me.
God, why am i so screwed up?
i just want to be myself. and be confident in that. and feel that i deserve the love people show. and know how to give it back. |
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[Mar. 8th, 2008|12:40 pm] |
i was given two dozen roses last night. and i was told that he had 1975 more to go and he's going to get there. sweetest thing ever, and i'm starting to trip myself out already. i'm so screwed up.
i've found one of the most important things is to be easy going. too many people get pissed off too fast. i hate that feeling of always walking on eggshells around them. how am i supposed to be comfortable and trust a person if they get mad at me every other day? i mean, give me a break. i have good intentions, honest. but i'm human, and i'm different than you. so i'm going to do stuff differently, and make mistakes, and maybe unintentionally piss you off. which it probably shouldn't. but if it does, why don't you get over it.
it's so hard to make me mad, and it's really hard for me to make my best friends mad. which is why i keep them around for so long. i've never noticed how dramatic people are, but it makes it impossible for me to want to make new friends. |
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[Feb. 24th, 2008|10:16 pm] |
a lot of times i almost get into something i don't want out of boredom, then i remember it's not what i want. so what's the point.
what i want is out there, i'll get it.
it's weird but i know how i want to feel, i've felt the feeling, like when i've been completely happy on a good sunny day and everything's looking up and you're with good friends with good music playing, but no guy has ever been able to make me feel anywhere near that. so boooooooooooooooored.
i'm reallllly not looking forward to this week. i've been really happy lately but i just hit this giant roadblock today and i'm back down to where i was two weeks ago. i just don't want to deal with stupid shit anymore.
having two days off will be tremendous though.
why is it so hard for me to find interesting people lately?
i've been meeting soooo many new people, but none of them have stuck. i don't understand.
but i am incredibly thankful for who i have, so it doesn't matter much. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 10th, 2008|10:16 pm] |
i spend too much of my life worrying about being perfect, and not enough just being myself.
i have some great friends.
it amazes me that when i feel like i screw up so bad they still want to be around me. |
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[Jan. 29th, 2008|11:01 pm] |
someone who sees me the way i see me.
sees the potential, the good, the values.
the thoughts, the depth, the knowledge.
sees the worth.
booooom. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 28th, 2008|03:37 pm] |
maybe i'm more of the person i wanted to be than i thought..
yay?
i almost had an emotional breakdown this weekend.
something about pictures make things so much more.. permanent.
and god, i don't know. just knowing i have to deal with you again.
seriously, we don't click. why do i care?
i know the one i really want.
the one i've wanted.
and yet, he's pretty out of reach too.
and so not my type, but so perfect.
i also found a love of freeway driving. and rediscovered my deep love for hanson.
i think amanda is going to camp this weekend!
FUCKKKK yeah! :D
i'm so relieved.
OH, and kelly's going to Cali!
hahah! SOOOOO excited. :) |
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